SO YOU’VE STARTED COUPLES THERAPY… NOW WHAT?

So, you’ve started couples therapy. Now what?

Making the appointment is a big step. Maybe you’ve been stuck in the same argument for months (or years). Maybe trust has taken a hit. Maybe you love each other but have gotten so caught up in work, kids, responsibilities, and life that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to actually enjoy being together.

And then there’s date night.

Remember when getting dressed up, going somewhere fun, and spending a few uninterrupted hours together felt exciting? When you didn’t have to coordinate childcare, talk about the schedule, or sit across from each other while both scrolling on your phones?

When a relationship is struggling, even something as simple as planning a date can feel like work.

That’s one of the reasons couples therapy can be so helpful. Therapy gives you a place to slow things down, understand what’s happening between you, and learn some new tools for communicating and reconnecting.

But here’s the thing: you can’t do all of the relationship work in the therapy room.

What happens between sessions matters just as much as what happens during them.

If you want to get the most out of couples therapy, here are five things I encourage couples to keep in mind.

1. BE HONEST—AND BE WILLING TO LISTEN

Couples therapy works best when both people are willing to be real.

That means being honest about what you need, what has hurt you, what you’re struggling with, and what you want to be different. It also means being willing to hear your partner’s experience—even when you don’t completely agree with it.

There is a big difference between being honest and being hurtful.

When it’s your turn to talk, say what you mean, but pay attention to how you’re saying it. And when it’s your turn to listen, try to understand before jumping in to defend yourself, explain your intentions, or prove your partner wrong.

You don't have to agree with your partner’s perspective to be curious about it.

Sometimes the most helpful question you can ask is simply, “Tell me more about that.”

2. DO THE HOMEWORK

I know. Homework doesn't exactly sound romantic.

But if your therapist gives you something to practice between sessions, there’s a reason.

You can have a really productive therapy session, learn something important about your relationship, and feel hopeful when you leave the office. But if you go home and immediately fall back into the same patterns, it’s going to be difficult to create lasting change.

The work between sessions is where you get to practice.

Have the conversation you’ve been avoiding. Try the communication exercise. Make time for each other. Do something fun together. Pay attention to the moments when you normally disconnect and try something different.

It doesn't have to be complicated.

In fact, some of the most meaningful changes can come from small, consistent efforts to reconnect.

3. LEAN IN, NOT OUT

When things get uncomfortable, most of us have a pretty predictable way of protecting ourselves.

We shut down. We get defensive. We walk away. We become critical. We tell ourselves we don’t care. We wait for our partner to make the first move.

Unfortunately, those protective moves can create exactly what we’re trying to avoid: more distance.

One of the biggest challenges—and opportunities—in couples therapy is learning to lean toward your partner instead of away from them.

That might mean staying in the conversation instead of shutting down. It might mean asking a question rather than making an assumption. It might mean admitting, “I was wrong,” or telling your partner that you’re hurt instead of pretending you’re fine.

Leaning in doesn’t mean accepting unhealthy behavior or ignoring your own needs.

It means choosing connection when your first instinct is to protect yourself through disconnection.

4. GIVE EACH OTHER—AND YOURSELF—SOME GRACE

You didn’t get here overnight.

Whatever patterns brought you to couples therapy probably developed over time. So, it’s unrealistic to expect them to disappear after a few therapy sessions.

There will be good weeks. There will be frustrating weeks. You’ll have conversations that go really well—and then you’ll have one where you fall right back into an old pattern.

That doesn’t mean you’re failing.

When your partner messes up, try not to use it as a reason to stop doing your own work. And when you mess up, try not to decide that you’re incapable of changing.

Give yourselves some room to be human.

The goal isn't perfection. The goal is to become better at recognizing the pattern, taking responsibility, repairing when necessary, and trying again.

5. NOTICE THE WINS

This one is easy to overlook.

When couples come to therapy, they usually have a pretty big goal in mind: We want to stop fighting. We want to trust each other again. We want to feel close. We want our sex life back. We want to actually like each other again.

Those are important goals, but they can also make it easy to overlook the little things happening along the way.

Did your partner ask what you needed instead of assuming?

Did you speak up instead of keeping something to yourself?

Did you handle an argument differently?

Did you repair more quickly?

Did you notice your partner making an effort?

THOSE ARE WINS.

Celebrate them.

I often help couples create SMART goals—goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely—because having smaller, achievable goals gives couples opportunities to actually see their progress.

You don't have to wait until your relationship is exactly where you want it to be before you acknowledge that things are getting better.

COUPLES THERAPY IS ABOUT MORE THAN THE HOUR IN MY OFFICE

Couples therapy isn't a magic fix, and it isn't about learning how to never disagree again.

You’re still going to annoy each other. You’re still going to have bad days. There will still be moments when one of you says the wrong thing or reacts in a way you wish you could take back.

The difference is learning what to do next.

Can you recognize what is happening between you? Can you slow things down? Can you get curious instead of defensive? Can you communicate what you actually need? Can you repair when things go sideways?

That’s where the real work happens.

And sometimes, getting back to each other starts with something surprisingly simple: putting the phones down, getting out of the house, and remembering that you're not just partners managing a life together—you’re two people who chose each other.

So yes, keep coming to therapy.

But also do the homework. Have the conversations. Try something new. Make the date night. Lean toward each other. Give yourselves some grace.

And don't forget to notice when you're getting it right.

Those little moments of connection are often the beginning of something much bigger.