NEW YEAR, NEW US: WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Every January, we’re surrounded by messages about becoming a “new you.”

Eat better. Exercise more. Save money. Get organized. Finally tackle that thing you’ve been putting off.

But what about your relationship?

When I ask couples what they want to be different in their marriage or relationship, I usually hear some version of the same things:

WE WANT TO COMMUNICATE BETTER. WE WANT MORE QUALITY TIME TOGETHER. WE WANT TO FEEL CLOSER. WE WANT TO STOP HAVING THE SAME FIGHT. WE WANT TO BE MORE INTENTIONAL ABOUT OUR FAMILY, OUR FINANCES, OUR SEX LIFE, OR OUR FUTURE.

Those are all great goals.

But wanting something to be different isn't quite the same thing as actually making it different.

If you want your relationship to look different a year from now, I think it’s worth asking yourself a pretty simple question:

What Do I Want?

Not what do I think my partner wants.

Not what would make everyone else happy.

Not just what I want my partner to stop doing.

What do I actually want our relationship to look and feel like?

START WITH THE TWO OF YOU

Before you sit down together and try to come up with the perfect relationship goals, spend a little time thinking about them individually.

Grab a cup of coffee. Go for a walk. Sit somewhere without the kids, phones, or a million other distractions.

And ask yourself:

• Who are we as a couple right now?

• How do I want to show up in this relationship?

• How do I want to see my partner?

• How do I want my partner to see me?

• How do I want other people to experience us as a couple?

• What matters most to me?

• What matters most to my partner?

• What do I need?

• What am I willing to give?

And don't just focus on what's wrong.

Take a look at what is already working.

What do you like about the way you two function as a couple? When do you feel most connected? What are you already doing well that you want to protect and continue?

Then be honest about the areas that need some attention.

You’re not trying to create a list of everything your partner needs to fix. You’re trying to get a clearer picture of the relationship you want to build together.

THEN HAVE THE CONVERSATION

Once you've each had some time to think, sit down and compare notes.

And this part is important: listen to each other's answers before trying to solve anything.

You may discover that you want many of the same things.

You may also discover that you don't.

That's okay.

Maybe one of you wants more adventure while the other wants more stability. Maybe one person wants more time together while the other needs more individual space. Maybe financial security is a huge priority for one of you while the other is focused on creating more fun and spontaneity.

This is where you get to negotiate.

Not “Whose way are we going to do it?”

But “How can we create something that works for both of us?”

The goal is to walk away with a few shared priorities that you both feel invested in.

CREATE A COUPLE'S MISSION STATEMENT

Once you have a better idea of what matters to both of you, turn those ideas into a simple mission statement for your relationship.

It doesn't need to sound fancy.

It doesn't need to be something you frame and hang over the fireplace.

It just needs to sound like you.

Think of it as a reminder of who you want to be as a couple and what you want your relationship to stand for.

Maybe your relationship is about being playful and adventurous.

Maybe it's about creating a peaceful home.

Maybe it's about being a team.

Maybe it's about raising your children while still making your marriage a priority.

Maybe it's about honesty, affection, faith, family, growth, or simply learning how to enjoy each other again.

There isn't a right answer.

Your relationship is yours.

So don't worry too much about creating the “perfect” mission statement. If you need some inspiration, there are plenty of examples online. Use them as a starting point, but don't let someone else's version of marriage become the standard for yours.

AND THEN THERE'S THE HARD PART: LETTING GO OF SOME OF THE PAST

This is where things can get tricky.

Some couples have years of hurt behind them.

Old arguments. Disappointments. Resentments. Broken promises. Things that were said—or weren't said.

And when you're carrying all of that into the present, it can be really difficult to focus on where you're going because you're still looking over your shoulder at where you've been.

I'm not suggesting that you ignore hurt or pretend that difficult things didn't happen.

Some things absolutely need to be addressed.

But sometimes couples get so focused on getting every past issue resolved before they allow themselves to reconnect that they never actually get the opportunity to experience something different.

There can be value in creating a semi-clean slate.

That might mean deciding that you're going to give each other a little more grace while you work on the relationship. It might mean allowing your partner to show you that they can respond differently without immediately assuming they'll make the same mistake again.

And it means giving yourself some grace, too.

You are both going to mess up.

You're both going to have moments when you don't communicate well or respond the way you'd hoped.

That doesn't mean you've failed.

Sometimes you have to be willing to lean toward connection even while there are still some things you're working through.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL EVERYTHING IS FIXED

I think couples sometimes get stuck waiting for the relationship to feel “better” before they start doing things that create a better relationship.

Don't wait.

If you want more fun, make plans.

If you want more quality time, protect it.

If you want better communication, practice it.

If you want more affection, start creating opportunities for it.

If you want to feel like a team, start looking for ways to act like one.

You don't have to completely fix your relationship before you can start enjoying it again.

In fact, sometimes the positive experiences are what help give you the momentum to tackle the harder stuff.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Forget the resolutions for a minute.

Forget what your relationship is supposed to look like.

Forget what everyone else is doing.

Ask yourself:

IF WE GOT TO THE END OF THIS YEAR AND I FELT REALLY PROUD OF OUR RELATIONSHIP, WHAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT?

Then ask your partner the same question.

You might be surprised by how much you learn—not only about your relationship, but about each other.

And if the conversation brings up more questions than answers, that's okay, too.

Sometimes knowing what you want is the first step toward figuring out how to get there.