ARE YOU MISSING YOUR PARTNER’S BIDS FOR CONNECTION?
Have you ever been sitting on the couch when your partner says:
“Look at this.”
They show you something on their phone. You glance over, give them a half-hearted “Hmm,” and go right back to whatever you were doing.
No big deal, right?
Maybe.
But what if “look at this” wasn't really about the funny video?
What if it was your partner's way of saying:
“Come into my world for a second.”
That's a bid for connection.
And once couples learn what bids are, they usually start seeing them everywhere.
WHAT IS A BID FOR CONNECTION?
A bid is basically any attempt one partner makes to connect with the other.
Some bids are obvious:
“Can I have a hug?”
Others are much easier to miss:
“Today was a day.”
A sigh from across the room.
Reaching for your hand in the car.
Sending you a meme.
Scooting closer to you on the couch.
Telling you a completely unnecessary story about something that happened at work.
Your partner may technically be talking about Susan from accounting—but underneath the story might be a much simpler message:
“Pay attention to me. Be interested in my world. Connect with me.”
That's the thing about bids.
They aren't always announced as bids.
EMOTIONAL BIDS: “Come Into My World”
Emotional bids are attempts to get your attention, interest, validation, reassurance, or support.
Your partner probably isn't going to walk into the kitchen and announce:
“Hello. I am currently making an emotional bid and would like you to respond appropriately.”
Wouldn't that make things easier?
Instead, it may look like:
“You will not believe what happened at work today.”
A long sigh.
A joke.
“Do you think I handled that okay?”
“I'm so tired.”
Or even:
“Did I tell you what happened with the kids this morning?”
The content may seem insignificant.
The connection isn't.
LISTEN FOR WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THE WORDS
Sometimes we get so focused on exactly what our partner is saying that we miss what they're asking for.
Imagine your partner comes home, drops their bag, and lets out a huge sigh.
You have options.
You could ignore it.
You could immediately start talking about what happened during your day.
Or you could simply say:
“That was a big sigh. What's going on?”
That's turning toward a bid.
You noticed.
You responded.
You opened the door.
It doesn't require an hour-long heart-to-heart. Sometimes 30 seconds of genuine attention is enough to communicate:
“I see you.”
YOUR PARTNER MAY NOT WANT YOU TO FIX IT
This is a big one.
Your partner tells you they're frustrated about something, and your brain immediately goes:
Okay. How do we solve this?
So you offer three possible solutions, explain what they should do tomorrow, and congratulate yourself internally for being extremely helpful.
Meanwhile, your partner is getting more irritated.
Why?
Because sometimes they aren't asking for a solution.
They're asking to be heard.
Before you fix it, try:
“That sounds really frustrating.”
“I can see why you're upset.”
“Do you want me to listen, or do you want help figuring out what to do?”
That last question can save couples a lot of unnecessary arguments.
Physical Bids: “Come Closer”
Not every bid uses words.
Sometimes your partner reaches for your hand.
They put their arm around you.
They lean against you on the couch.
They touch your back as they walk past.
They reach for a hug when you get home.
Those are physical bids.
And just like emotional bids, they're easy to overlook—especially when you've been together a long time.
But those tiny moments of touch can communicate a lot:
“I'm here.”
“I like you.”
“I want to be close to you.”
“We're okay.”
Physical bids don't necessarily have to be sexual. In fact, one of the most important things couples can do is create physical affection that doesn't automatically have to lead to sex.
A hug can just be a hug.
A kiss can just be a kiss.
You can hold hands because you like holding hands.
That kind of low-pressure physical connection matters.
WHEN YOUR PARTNER REACHES FOR YOU, REACH BACK
If your partner reaches for a hug, hug them back.
If they grab your hand, squeeze theirs.
If they lean against you, lean in.
Simple, right?
But think about how often those tiny opportunities get missed.
You're distracted.
You're looking at your phone.
You're trying to finish something.
You're thinking about tomorrow.
And eventually your partner may stop reaching.
That doesn't mean you have to respond perfectly to every single bid.
No one does.
The goal is simply to start noticing more of them.
AND YOU CAN MAKE BIDS, TOO
Sometimes couples get stuck waiting.
Why doesn't he ever hug me anymore?
Why doesn't she ask about my day?
Why am I always the one who has to initiate affection?
Those feelings matter and are worth talking about.
But you can also ask yourself:
WHAT BIDS AM I MAKING?
Reach for your partner's hand.
Give them a kiss before you leave.
Send the funny text.
Ask how the meeting went.
Sit beside them instead of across the room.
Tell them, “Come sit with me for a minute.”
You don't have to wait for your partner to create every opportunity for connection.
WHAT IF YOU DON'T WANT THE BID?
This is where things get interesting.
Because sometimes you notice the bid—and you genuinely don't want it.
Maybe your partner reaches for a hug when you're overstimulated.
Maybe they start telling you a story while you're trying to get three kids out the door.
Maybe they want to cuddle and you desperately need five minutes where nobody touches you.
You are allowed to have boundaries.
But there's a difference between declining a bid and ignoring one.
Instead of pulling away without saying anything, you might say:
“I love that you want to cuddle. I'm really overstimulated right now. Can I have a little space and come find you later?”
Instead of half-listening while answering emails:
“I want to hear this, but my brain is completely somewhere else. Give me ten minutes and tell me when I'm done?”
You're still communicating:
“Your attempt to connect with me matters.”
And then, of course, the important part is actually coming back.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT IN REALLY SMALL MOMENTS
When couples feel disconnected, they often assume they need something big.
A romantic vacation.
A perfect date night.
A weekend away.
A major relationship conversation.
Those things can absolutely be helpful.
But connection is usually built—or lost—in much smaller moments.
It's looking up when your partner starts talking.
It's laughing at the joke.
It's asking one more question.
It's squeezing the hand that reached for yours.
It's putting your phone down for a minute.
It's noticing the sigh.
It's saying, “Come here.”
Those moments don't seem particularly dramatic.
But relationships aren't built only in the dramatic moments.
They're built in the ordinary ones.
TRY THIS FOR ONE WEEK
For the next week, don't worry about completely transforming your relationship.
Just get curious.
Start noticing your partner's bids.
When they tell you something, ask yourself:
Are they giving me information—or are they trying to connect with me?
When they reach for you physically, notice it.
And pay attention to your own bids, too.
How do you ask for attention?
How do you ask for affection?
How do you ask your partner to enter your world?
Then make one small change:
TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER A LITTLE MORE OFTEN.
You don't have to catch every bid.
You just want to start catching more of them.
Because sometimes a stronger relationship isn't built through one enormous change.
It's built through hundreds of tiny moments where one person says, in one way or another:
“Are you there?”
And the other responds:
“I'm here.”
FEELING DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR PARTNER?
Sometimes couples aren't lacking love—they've simply gotten out of the habit of reaching for each other or responding when the other person reaches.
Other couples have years of hurt, conflict, rejection, or resentment that make even small attempts at connection feel complicated.
At Future Days Counseling, I help couples slow down and understand the patterns happening between them so they can communicate more effectively, rebuild connection, and become more intentional about the relationship they're creating.
I'm Peyton Richard, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in working with couples and relationships. My approach combines evidence-based relationship models with practical tools couples can actually take home and use—not just talk about for an hour in therapy.
Whether you're feeling disconnected, struggling with emotional or physical intimacy, rebuilding trust, or simply wanting a stronger relationship, couples therapy can help you understand what's getting in the way of connection and learn how to start reaching for each other differently.
Future Days Counseling
3109 Blue Lake Drive, Suite 205
Vestavia, AL 35243
205-769-2842
Reach out to schedule a consultation and let's talk about what you want your future days together to look like.
